Back to work.

Tomorrow I’m  back to work after 12 days off. 12 wondeful days that I wish didn’t have to end. All good things come to a end though. The best part is that all bad things come to a end and that’s why I’m quitting my job. . I’ve picked Wednesday to resign.  I like Wednesdays. I always count 2 days until the weekend and I somehow feel a little more free. 

I won’t go into too much details but I’ll say this: I stopped caring about my work and clients.  I also don’t like the commute and I’ve developed a big attitude problem because of all of these mentioned factors.

I spoke to Tan last night.  She’s excited that she’s got a little over 10 days left at work then she leaves to Italy mid November.  She told me that she’s in the same mindset and no longer cares about helping her clients. She’s got no long term plans to continue this line of work and is planning on setting up something completely different in Italy. I am planning on doing the same in Hampshire. It was wondeful knowing I’m not the only one at work who no longer likes and cares for my job.

I’m so excited to be leaving and I’ve already prepared my resignation letter. I feel so happy. This is not how a person should feel if they love their job.. I’m also so happy that I had a full week with C, that really helped me come to this decision and she made me aware of how I’ve changed during the last few months in terms of work.

I’m nervous to be starting out alone but I’m also determined not to fail. Change is a wondeful but also a little frightening. I’m hoping to embrace it and go with it. I know for sure I’m not going to regret quitting this job and I’m not going to miss my clients at all.

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Signs.

I’ve got a really weird thing that I like to do when I’m on holiday and that is to take photos of signs. Signs provide meanings but more so they say a little bit about a culture. C says that’s my autistic streak surfacing and I must say I’ve converted her. By the end of our time in New Mexico she too was photographing signs.  These photos below are not a critique of New Mexico culture or a political analysis some are just touristy. Some we don’t see in England and i hope we never will.  Hope you enjoy.

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This was the only one i took in Texas at Dallas Fort Worth airport. I found it hilarious.

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Books.

I’ve not read a novel for years. C says it’s because I’ve got slight autism and cannot relate to the world around me. She thinks it’s partly due to my brain being wired in a way that isn’t like most people. I think I was damaged after reading Foucault’s ‘The Order of Things’. Dreary yet somehow fascinating. That book and Sartre’s ‘Being and Nothingness’ somehow shaped my thinking at an early age. No I’m not pessimistic or negative I just see the world differently and don’t believe in a greater meaning.  Although at times I do think that somethings cannot be explained but can be felt and experienced and the meanings we make are the ones based on our own subjective interpretations of life. 

C and I were in new Mexico recently. Before travelling I went to my library bookcase and grabbed Habermas’ ‘The Structural Transformation of the Public Sphere’ since I’ve never read it front to back but only the odd chapter here and there.  C took it out of my hand “I challenge you to have a light read” and she placed a copy of Murakami’s ‘Norwegian Wood’ in my hands and returned Habermas to the shelf. I don’t like being challenged and so I felt I had to prove a point.. I’ve got to page 57 and I’m finding it quite dreary and self absorbed. I’m not learning anything apart from testing my patience.  Perhaps that was the meaning of the challenge. By now I would have certainly finished the other book and taken away some valuable knowledge.

During our stay M, C’s cousin was horrified when I said I don’t like novels.  She’s bought me ‘Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ but told me I cannot start it until I finish Murakami.  I feel I’m dying a slow death. Meanwhile I keep going to my bookcase and reading a chapter of Habermas at any given opportunity.  In particular whilst C is on night shifts and not around to give me a hard time. She says my biggest curse is knowledge and that my world view is quite cynical.  I say my biggest curse is popular culture that has taken away ones general ability to think outside the box or at least to consider that there’s a whole world of knowledge out there that we fail to see because if we did then we would not accept the world order as is currently stands.  But it’s so easy to be consumed and immersed in the consumer world that one neglects what’s often more important.  Or do we neglect? T S Eliot once said “humankind cannot bear much reality” just a thought and give me strength getting through these two books. 

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This morning

The natural light here in New Mexico is amazing. Here are a few photos I’ve taken.

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Finally

Finally C and I made it to New Mexico.  I say finally because…

We left the house at 11.30am yesterday morning and drove towards Heathrow Airport. Forty five minutes into our drive C receives a text message from British Airways ‘your flight has been delayed by 2 and a half hours’. C panicked “we are going to miss our connecting flight to Albuquerque” I giggled “no we’re not I’ll sort this out once we’re at the airport”. We arrive at Heathrow by 1.15pm and rush into the terminal. I see a rather handsome British Airways staff member and I approach him “Hi Boris (noticing his name tag) how are you doing today?” He smiles “very well thank you and you” I take out our boarding passes and hand them to him “I’m doing very well thank you.  We received a text message informing us of delays on our flight to Chicago and it means we’ll miss our flight to Albuquerque and I believe that’s the last flight out of O’Hare” he takes my passport and asks C for hers and says “no problems let’s see what is going on”. He logs into his system then looks at me “oh Maria I’m sorry you won’t be in alberquerque this evening. What I can offer you though is an upgrade and to stay in Chicago at our expense and you can get the 10.10am to alberquerque tomorrow”. C panics “we need to be there tonight” I smile at Boris “are there any flights to Dallas Texas?  If so can we be re – routed and go to alberquerque via Texas please?” He says “let me see what I can do” he makes a call and C is ready to shout she’s both tired and upset,  she just finished a night shift and has had no sleep for most of the week. I give her a big big hug “baby,  relax, we’ll be there tonight you’ll see”. Boris gets off the phone.  He says “run to the airport train to terminal 3, you’re booked on the 3pm to Dallas on American Airlines then you have an hour to get onto your 20.40 to Albuquerque. If you miss the AA flight from terminal 3 come back and see me” I give him a big smile “you’re the best.  Have a wondeful day” he replies “Maria you keep that smile on your face that’ll get you a long way”. C panics “Maria is 1.40pm we don’t have time we’re going to miss that flight check in closes at 2pm”  I take her hand and run ignoring what she said. We make it to terminal 3 by 1.55pm and the chap says I don’t think you can check in it’s too late” I smile and politely say “it would be great if you could help us check in in the 5 minutes we have left so we can get to Texas tonight” and with that he rushes us to the front of the line.  We made it. After we check in I look at C and I walk towards the exit “one smoke before we head off,  I earned it” meaning don’t even dare say no. 

We board the plane and it’s 2.30pm.  We’re sitting talking and thinking we’re lucky we made the flight.  I look at my watch and it’s 3pm. I think to myself,  why haven’t we left yet?  The captain  makes an announcement “good afternoon due to a passenger suddenly falling sick we are not sure when we’ll be departing.  We have some staff on board dealing with the situation and I’ll update you as soon as I have more information”. By 4.30pm we had not received any updates and C looks at me “we’re not going to Albuquerque tonight” I smiled at her “baby relax we’ll get there I promise”. At 5pm our flight finally departed 2 hours later that expected.  “At least the passenger is okay now” and C looked at me and calmed down “Maria I’m just stressed out and you’re right at least she’s okay”.

We finally arrived in Texas.  As we left the plane a group of airport staff were calling out “passengers with connecting flights please find your new paper work on the wall in your right hand side after the corner” we turned the corner and sure enough there were 2 tickets for the 22:35 to Albuquerque.  We had an hour and a half. “C I’m going to go smoke in Texas before we have to go check in to our other flight”. She didn’t argue. As I was going through customs a very hot woman approaches me “ma’am do you have a purple paper” I handed over my papers “Yes I just collected this when I got off the plane” the customs officer looks at me quite seriously “ma’am this lady is going to escort you from here.  Do you have any objections” C has a panicked look on her face and I look at the woman and smile and turn to the customs officer and say “she can take me wherever she likes” they both giggle and she takes my suitcase and walks off. C follows us and I ask “where are you taking me” She gives me a very mischievous smile and says in a stern voice “you’ll see ma’am’ and I’m melting at the sound of her accent. She takes me to a guy and says “I’m leaving your case here with him and he’ll make sure it’s on your flight” then she giggles and says “enjoy your time in alberquerque” C walks up to me and says “I was really worried about you.i didn’t know where she was taking you” I said “did you see her?  Damn I wish she could have escorted me to Albuquerque” and I giggled.  We’re looking at the flight departure information  to find out where we’ve got to go and I hear “ma’am you need to go to gate A10 and I’m sorry I can’t escorts you any further”. I look around and I see my hot lady and I blush because she obviously heard what I said to C and I reply “I’m also sorry and have a lovely weekend”.

After checking in and going through security we arrive at our gate. Our flight has been delayed by an hour.  I started laughing so hard.  I was tired and I felt that life was testing C’s patience.  She was clearly irritated and she decided to sit alone.  I on the other hand decided to see if I could spot any cowboys because that’s what one does if going to Dallas,  at least that’s what I imagined.  I saw two cowboys and I rushed to C to tell her I’d spotted them at dunkin donuts. That made her giggle and she didn’t believe me until I convinced her to come see for herself.  She did and we laughed some more together.  I snapped her out of her mood and I was happy. 

At 23.30 we were on board our flight to our final destination. Guess what?  We remain on the tarmac for almost an hour before finally taking off. We calculated that our trip took us almost 18 hours. 

It was certainly an adventure getting here and I’m glad we made it. This morning I woke up and this is my view here so all those delays were worth it! I hope C also learnt a bit about patience!

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Not long now

Just two more days and C and I travel to the USA for our summer holiday.  We’re heading to breaking bad city for some crystal meth fun times with C’s cousin M and her gf C. I’m looking forward to a week off from all that’s been going on in my life and around me for the past few months.  It’s a long journey to get there approximately 16 hours including transit. I’ve been to many states in the USA but never new Mexico and I’m looking forward to discovering a new place and to hang out with a lovely couple of lesbians. I’m glad C has a chance to be herself with a family member.  Both M and C have taken the week off work to show us parts New Mexico.  We’re making it in time to catch the end of the balloon fiesta and also to celebrate M’s 45th birthday.

Something has been troubling me recently though.  I’m getting really fed up from my job. I can’t take being around some of my clients, they’re just too much for me. It seems their problems get from bad to worse and I’m feeling unable to help the worst. Not because I don’t want to help but because I simply don’t care anymore. It’s a strange feeling to love a job but to hate it at the same time. Is this a 1st world problem? I think so.. It’s this thinking that keeps me put. C keeps suggesting that I do something a little different like start up my own thing that’s completely my own and not to work for anyone but myself. She says I should consider getting into food. I love cooking and she says that my presentation of food can be so “gay at times” meaning OCD. But more than that she says that the food I cook isn’t available so far on the market and she thinks I could have a good niche. I’m thinking very seriously about this.

I’ve spoken to a few of my friends who share the same views as C and think I should just jump into the deep end and go for it. Everyone I know seems to be telling me to go for it. When I was younger I used to dream of running my own restaurant/bar/club and now it seems everyone around me keeps telling me to get into food and just go for it. It’ll be the biggest risk I’ll ever take but it means I’ll be closer to C and may or may not succeed. The only thing that concerns me is that Hampshire isn’t ready for my food and I’ve been looking at what’s available in the area and is actually quite boring for the most part.  London is the place where I know it’ll work. C feels I’m trying to find excuses to remain in London. I feel I’m trying to balance my life between her and London.  You’ve probably gathered I’m really confused.  I’m worried that if I make such a big investment and sacrifice that Hampshire isn’t the place.  C and my friends/family say I can make a western style twist to my food but I hate that in the same way I hate eating Chinese food for Brits;  I feel cheated.

I’m hoping that while I’m away I’ll make this big decision.  I know one thing for sure I’ve decided that by the end of this year I’m leaving my job.  I’m not going to go back to it or help anyone privately.  What I do next year has to be mine and has to be new. 

I’m sure of something else, I’m going to take loads of photos in new Mexico and I’m not going to take any meth in alberquerque. 

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How nice

How nice would it be
Right now
To step into another time
Without anyone familiar to me
With a clean page
No chaos
Just a place
Where I can breathe again.

How nice would it be
To leave all this behind
You can pick it all up
And leave me be
And I’ll move on
Without you.

How nice would it be
For some silence
Peace
Quiet
And I’ll breathe much better
Without you suffocating me.

How nice would it be
Just for a day
Not to feel
Tired
Cold
And to dream again.

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