Yesterday was the HIV workshop and the day I presented. I have been feeling quite sick so I only made half the day. I hate to let people down. I only went because I knew I was no longer contagious. I will say this I made some people cry during my presentation. I think I raised some issues that many didn’t dare say so openly. For example how we imagine that society and community “view us”. How we navigate between the two. For many there is no chance to go back to the “arab homeland” because there’s an idea that “hiv doesnt exist”. Also, the Arab world isn’t equiped in dealing with HIV in the way that the Western world is. Even if the medication is available the thinking isn’t progressive. Social conventions and cultural taboos render HIV awareness redundant. It is a topic in the occasional chat show but its not something that is publically advertised in the way it is here. There is the UN Aids programme and many NGO’s in the region but still it lags behind the western world. It’s a challenging concept to grasp since in the West information is readily available and so is health care. HIV awareness is something that is present in western society in a way that it isn’t in the arab world. The fundamental issue is the question of sexuality and religion. Religious ideology tends to dominate arab society (whether we like it or not) and plays a crucial role in daily life in terms of how sexual relationships are socially and culturally shapped and/or constructed. Unfortunately civil marriage isn’t acceptable in most of the arab world and people tend to marry into their own sectarian groups. This is a silly issue in my opinion but a fundamental issue in how relationships are to an extent controlled and endorsed on a national level. When you consider the simplicity that is present in this exclusive mindset you can then begin to understand why something like HIV isn’t discussed within the public sphere. Mind you something as common and simple to treat as chlamydiae isnt publically discussed either. Sex before marriage is frowned upon so any sti’s are considered to be “shameful” especially if you’re unmarried. It’s a sad fact that the Arab world still has a long way to go.
This was one of the big issues that I discussed yesterday. Homosexuality is illegal in most of the Arab world and coming out also brings shame onto the family. There are so many damn constraints on arabs and so much hypocrisy. The thing I find fascinating is how individuals construct their sexual identity by playing with the social constraints and cultural conventions. There are ways of self identifying in the arab world that is almost lost in the West where people are free to be gay etc. This is because it is an accepted norm within the State in the sense that there are laws and regulations to protect individuals and there are societies, communities and organisations that provide awareness, help push forward policies and procedures etc.
Anyway after my discussion we had a break. I decided that after the break I would head home in order to recover. During the break I was approached by several women and a couple of guys. We had a really lovely exchange of words; It was nice being able to speak in Arabic with arabs about HIV. One woman was hot and straight. She contracted the virus through her husband. She’s since left him and she’s still struggling to come to terms. We spoke for a while and I was taken by her good looks. Of course I offered to give her my number and of course she refused and reminded me that she’s straight. I told her that if she changed her mind and wanted to share germs she could come get my number. I also told her that I’d call her cookie since I think it sounds nicer than her name. I smiled and walked off. 15 minutes latet she approached me “perhaps we can meet for a coffee” and I gave her my number! RESULT! I left shortly afterwards and exchanged contact details with about 10 individuals. We’ve decided to arrange dinners and outings together. I really enjoyed my time there. I’ve received a few texts thanking me for my talk and I’m really looking forward to meeting up with some of the folks I met. I think we’ll all offer some kind of support and reassurance.
Yesterday was a fulfilling day.
Moments are not to be taken for granted. People, places and nature, enjoy them, cherish them, you don’t know when it will all stop. When it does; in that moment between here and there, you’ll look back and possibly wonder; did I make the most of every moment!
Moments can make us think. They can stop us and make us feel. Sometimes it’s a sound, a scent, a face or a touch and it can take us back to a place where everything seemed so sweet. In that moment life is sweet or maybe bittersweet but those moments remind us we’re living and have lived.
Do you ever have a moment that allows you to believe time stands still? Inside for a moment your swept away in your imagination! There are places I’ve been and things I’ve seen and sometimes when the sun touches my skin and I feel it’s heat on my face my imagination takes me back so long ago and I smile and feel good realising there are many moments ahead of me.
Very funny. Hope you enjoy it
C knows quite a few Arabic words. If she was ever thrown into the Arabic speaking Middle East she would not go hungry and wouldn’t get lost. She can order her favourite Arabic dishes and she can ask where her hotel is. If anyone upsets her she can tell them to go to hell and hold a good argument using Arabic profanities. If she likes you she can ask how you’re doing (male/female). In an emergency she can also inform a Dr where the pain or problem is – pretty impressive huh? That’s down to me.
Last night we were laying in bed together. We were discussing what time we had to get up in order to get her to the airport in time for her flight. Our discussions continued for a while and she then asked me to teach her some more Arabic. She wanted to know the words for come here, go there, I’m here etc. I started teaching her these words and she started moving closer to me in the bed until we were cuddling. I was getting hot because as you may know her and I spent most of the night before kissing and talking about our issues and why we broke up. Anyway in my hot frame of mind I decided that C needs a lesson in dirty talk.
I asked her to repeat a couple of words after me in Arabic. She was obedient and then she asked what did that mean I’ve never heard you say that before. I told her you just said my pussy is wet. She replied mmmm as she moved closer. I want you to understand C is very posh and I’m (although I dont show it here) quite well spoken and academic so our slutty conversation may have come across as being quite intellectual; It really was not! Then I asked her to repeat another few words and when asked for the translation I told her “I want you to fuck me hard” she looked at me and smiled “mmm” then she put both sentences together. I don’t think I need to say what happened next
I did wake up this morning and my little minx was delighted with her new arabic words. She kissed me and again put the words together and boom! Off we were like two horny bunny rabbits.
We made it to the airport on time and we spent a while kissing at the departure area. There was a arab couple and they looked horrified and the wife was telling her husband to keep away from us. They were looking at us like we were filth and C understood part of what they were saying and looked at them both and in a very posh English/Arabic accent she told them in arabic to “get lost”! I was impressed.
I think its interesting that she can be a bit naughty in Arabic but not say anything like that in English! Love it.
When I left the airport I suddenly felt quite alone but at the same time I had a big smile on my face. Life is good!
Yesterday was a very interesting day for me because I became aware of how nervous I was leading up to my date with C. C and I have not been on a date since 2012 a couple of months before we broke up. We had planned to meet for dinner and then go watch The Dallas Buyers Club (great film by the way). I got home after work and started thinking about what to wear. I showered and was panicking what the hell do I wear on a date with C, my ex that I live with?! I decided that I should be myself and I wore fitted jeans, fitted t-shirt, my favorite hoody and my favourite trainers! I like the casual sporty look. I made the effort with my hair and makeup. I wanted to keep warm since I am not entirely over my flue/chest & throat infection. C called me and told me that she was running late because of work. That wasn’t a problem for me because life happens! We arranged to meet at the station in the area that we went to watch the film. I got there on time and waited around for her – something I never used to do apparently – which made a change since I was always late in the past. Since C was running late we had no time to go eat at a restaurant, we had about ten minutes to eat before watching the film I suggested we grab a sandwich from M&S which was perfect for both of us. It was nice in a way that we could be so normal with each other. Then we went to the cinema and grabbed a large popcorn and drink to share. We got through about 30mins of the film and there was an emergency. A fellow patron collapsed in the cinema and of course C was the only Dr in the audience. We got asked to leave and wait outside whilst C and two nurses (who were also in the audience) took charge. C had to perform CPR and it was pretty intense. I am glad that we all got sent out of the theater I did not want to see what C was doing. After 30 mins the paramedics finally arrived and C came to see me. She asked whether we should get a refund or watch the rest of the movie. I asked her to decide since she was the one who had just had the stressful moment and not me. She decided that the film would relax her so we went back inside and watched the rest of the film. We did have a giggle though because the last time we watched a movie together in that cinema was The Impossible (which I thought was shit) and the same thing happened, a guy passed out and C had to take care of him until the paramedics arrived. Anyway we watched the rest of the film and it was really sad a film about HIV but very inspiring also.
When we got out of the cinema I lit a cigarette and I looked at C and told her what an amazing night we had. How I had missed hanging out with her like this. She leaned forwards and kissed me. I dropped my cigarette and kissed her. We were stood for about fifteen minutes in the same spot kissing. It was delicious. I put my hand in hers and we walked to the car park talking about the film and which parts we enjoyed. When we got home, C took a shower and I sat thinking about what had just happened. Half an hour later C is calling me up to bed. It is not unusual for us to sleep beside each other and for the most part I sleep beside her in her room. She only sleeps in my room when she is doing night shifts because you can’t hear the neighbors from my room. Anyway I am in bed with C and we both pick up from where we left off. We are kissing and it is quite passionate and intense. She is being dominant and tough with me, something she never was in the past and I was really liking this side of her. Then she is on top of me pining my arms down with one hand and trying to take my top off with the other hand. At that point I stopped her and I told her I am not ready and we need to talk. I told her it is so easy to get back into a relationship and where we left of but that it is not productive or useful. We will be ignoring our issues that broke us up in the first place. I told her that we need to talk and so we did.
We spoke about the past and why we broke up, many of our issues and insecurities came up in our discussions. It was amazing to talk to C about everything. The year that we have been separated has given us the space and emotional understanding of how to communicate with each other. It is not as raw as before and it still hurts but we are able to approach things in a way that that is thoughtful and we were able to speak so openly in a way that we couldn’t before. We both cried when we touched on the issues that are still deep and have hurt us but we were able to hear and listen to each other which is something we could not do before. I found myself telling her that I was so in love with her and she said the same to me. It took us both by surprise because it just came out without us thinking about it. We spoke about sex – that was one of our big issues. Her lack of experience and my wild and wicked ways. She told me she was more open to suggestions and she also understood why it became such a major issue to me. I had felt rejected by her on many other levels and then her unwillingness to explore her own sexuality became an issue for me I saw that as a rejection and not as her own issues. I told her that I hated this couples therapy idea and that we had managed to talk about so much that I would not discuss with a therapist or an outsider because it may complicate things for us. I also told her how her family and the issues there have had an influence on our relationship and although her family live a million miles away her mother and brother still influence her life in a way that is negative on our relationship. The honesty was amazing. I told her that whilst she’s away it will give us both an opportunity to think about how we feel and how we want to move with this. I told her that I do not want to rush things but the truth is that I cannot imagine her not being in my life and I would be happy if we remained friends if we felt that anything else may destroy our chances of keeping what we have. She said that she also has not considered me not being in her life, that it is not an option for her. We need to be careful and we need to be considerate and not selfish these are points we both agreed on. She also said that I need to calm down with the ladies that she struggles to understand how I can see them as “for fucking” and see her “as a life partner” and that I need to be able to find balance in what we share. Now we are both left with things to think about and I am glad we know for the first time in over a year where we both stand.
I am happy she is leaving for a week – although I am going to miss her terribly – because it will give us time and space to reflect on all that has been happening between us not just this last week but the whole year or so that has passed. One way or another I am determined to resolve this with C. I have realised that if I cannot resolve things with C – one way or another – I will never be capable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone.
Possibly in more ways than one.
Yesterday C my ex woke me up by biting my neck. I know look like a 40 (plus) years old hooker which isn’t fine. I like hiding my little whore and presenting my nerdy librarian look to the outside world. This morning my wake up call was very different. I woke up to my bottom lip being bitten quite hard (hard enough for it to still hurt and feel slightly bruised) plus C’s hand between my legs pressing hard on me. As I woke up she smiled and gave me a soft kiss on my lips and pressed her fingers harder between my legs and said “have a nice day” and she left for work.
Nice wake up calls huh! Problem is I’m now a horny little bunny rabbit and I’m looking at my ex slightly differently. Is this the other wake up call?
My friends have been telling me for the last year that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life letting her go. At the same time they tell me that we’ve not really broken up because we still act like a couple minus the sex.
Tonight rather than couples therapy I suggested to C that I take her out for dinner and a movie, we’ve not done that since we broke up. I’m pretty excited about it if I’m being honest.