She’s leaving me…

Work eye candy told me that she’s resigning on Friday.  She’s had enough of England’s cold winters and lack of four seasons and wants to return to Italy. It’s meant to be “our secret until Friday Maria”. Of course I can keep a secret but this one I have to share here.  I know no one from work reads this blog so I’m safe. I swear when she told me this my heart stopped skipped a beat “Tan I can’t believe you’re leaving me” I winked.  She looked at me seriously then joked”you could always marry me and we could enjoy all four seasons back in Italy together” My heart sank “you’re breaking my heart baby.  You know I can’t leave C. What would I tell her” She thought for a while “Italians do it better.  That’s what you’d say. Then we’d move to Italy and love happily ever after”. I laughed at this point and gave her a big hug “good for you my friend I hope all will be perfect for you” of course she replied “four weeks of hugs and then who knows when our breasts will next meet?” I blush and run off.  I’m going to miss that little devil.  She’s too damn hot cute. 

Later Tanya and I see each other and she smiles,  arms wide open “another hug please” I oblige “I wonder if you’re replacement will be just as hot” and that was it “so you finally admit I’m hot?” I giggle “Yes but only when you’re silent otherwise you’re insane” She leans forwards and her eyes meet mine “one night Maria” I step away “we’ll see” and with that I turn and walk away. 

I’m sad that she’s leaving.  she’s extremely professional and has taught me a lot plus we’ve really been there for each other during the last year.  Her reason for leaving is that her mother is unwell.  As I left work I saw her “I can’t imagine dying in England Maria can you?” I wasn’t expecting that “are you dying?” She smiled “no but I thought about this and I want to die in Italy.  If you could choose here or Lebanon where would you die” this was a strange question “in a hospital” She could tell from my voice that I didn’t want to talk about this.  She changed the subject  “So you think I’m insanely hot?” I shook my head “that’s one way of seeing it. Have a good evening” I turned my back and walked off both of us were laughing. 

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My life

My life is a suitcase these days. Since moving all I seem to do is pack and unpack. Travel North then head back South.  I’m never with C long enough and I’m always in London for too long.  It seems that home is a place for me to do laundry,  sort out admin and then pack and head back to work.  I’ve had enough. 

I’m looking for work in Southampton and there’s nothing that jumps out and says “take me”.  C says I should think about something local to buy time until I find something permanent.  I can’t imagine working in a small town.  She’s noticed I don’t talk to anyone here. Small towns and small town mentality can cause problems and I rather keep myself to myself.  I’m a city girl.  I like the idea of being invisible and unnoticed which is easy in a city and hard in a small town. 

The commute is frustrating me but for now it’ll have to do. I always feel sad leaving C because we don’t get enough time together.  I won’t be back until Tuesday and then I’m back in London on Thursday.  I’m fed up of this. I though it would be okay and I’d manage.

The only bonus is I get to see family and friends. Tonight I’m out with the girls. The last time I did that was in early July.  It seems my life is changing so much and I’m not keeping up.  I’m always one step behind in my mind.

I’ve had enough of a suitcase and going back and forth. The next time C and I have a full week together is when we take our holiday together next month.  It seems so far away and everything seems so hectic from now until then. I wish I could swallow a big chill pill and relax and stay put in one place for a while.  I’m grateful I have a job to go to and a place to stay.  I just wish it was here with my lady. 

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Please explain

If anyone in usa can help me understand what is it with Brooklyn Heights? 

A woman flirted with me on Friday night when I was out with my friend at a cafe. My friend asked “so which part of town do you live in”? Woman replies “Brooklyn Heights” My friend takes my hand and walks away saying “have a good night”.  Then she tells me “just walk with me and don’t look back”.

I ask my friend “what’s wrong with her part of town” because I’d figured that’s what upset my friend so much.
Friend “ask your cousins” She laughs.

I did ask my cousins and they just said “cool your friend dragged you away. Maria you can’t talk to everyone here”

I still don’t know what’s wrong with that part of NY. Can someone please tell me. 

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Outed.

Mother dearest (as I like to call her when she pisses me off) decided to out me to all of her siblings. She hadn’t warned me beforehand that this was her intention. 

Last week we arrived in the USA on Saturday night.  We hired a car from the airport and drove to my aunts place.  My mother comes from a fairly large family, in total 8 siblings.  When we arrived at my aunts place in NJ one of my other aunts was there from Florida (FL). We all sat around the dinning table and had some dinner and a few drinks. FL asks my mum what’s new in her life and mum replies “Maria is gay, a lesbian and she’s living with her Chinese gf in the country side”. FL smiles and says “each to their own and at least she’s not disabled like my son. I’d much rather he was gay than disabled”. NJ says “you think I didn’t know?  I see her and her gf on FB and Maria doesn’t exactly keep her gf a secret. Every time I see them together it makes my stomach turn because it’s not normal”. I was sitting listening because that’s what I tend to do in awkward situations. After a short while I excused myself to go shower and get to bed. 

On Sunday two aunts and a cousin arrived. I went to pick up my aunt and cousin (her son). I’d not met my aunt before she’s from Texas (TX) and my cousin is from California (CA). We got home to NJ house and walked into the house and first thing my mum says to my aunt TX “how did you see Maria?  Can you see she’s gay”. CA dies laughing “cuz our mum’s are so similar they lack any kind of censor” and he gives me a big hug.  TX says “we’re all God’s children and what’s the big deal” of course this started a huge debate between the sisters. One more sister was on her way. I think that sister is fucking insane, she’s from Orange County (OC) and thinks that guns and God is the way forwards – stupid twat – and that anyone that disagrees is a liberal – which she says with disgust – and they are ruining America.  Anyway she arrives and mother dearest announces the same thing to OC.  OC says “it’s obvious Maria doesn’t care showing pictures of her gay life in England. God give you strength sister” and I giggled.  God had come into so many conversations when my sexuality was announced by mother.  TX said “we’re all God’s children” to OC, OC replied “if someone married and horse you wouldn’t care you married a Mexican and they’re ruining our country.  At least Maria is gay and not with a Mexican”. I had to hear this conversation almost every evening.

Please don’t be shocked because I haven’t had a good laugh for years.  TX and FL have invited C and I to go visit them.  NJ wants me to go and spend time with her so she can help me “become normal and marry a man” and OC thinks it’s because “you don’t go to church and you got involved in academia where the liberals brainwashed you and made just about every thing abnomal acceptable”. I did tell OC to fuck off and eat shit because I had enough of her after the funeral which was only last Tuesday (after spending only 2 days with her).  My cousins all gave me a high five and said that it was about time someone put her in her place and that I could use being emotional as a excuse if I felt that I needed to apologise.  I didn’t feel the need to apologise.  I told her that I hoped she’d go stay elsewhere and she said she’d “gladly do so because you are too liberal and in with the wrong crowd and that people like you should either go to church or be shot” and I laughed and told her “you should be locked up or have your tongue cut out you psycho scum”.  Mother dearest got upset with me for upsetting her sister. I explained that had she not outed me then this conversation would not have happened. Of course my mother lectured me on respecting my elders and of course I didn’t agree “I respect those who respect themselves”. I thought by now my mother would have realised that not everyone is as open minded as her and that she should calm down and stop outing me. It wasn’t enough she needed to get it out in the open. She continued to out me. I soon realised her issue. Everyone from her generation was asking why I’m not married with kids and she was up front with them.

My US family are lovely but we’re very very different.  Even my cousins and I who are part of the same generation are a bit to conservative for my liking.  They’re good people but quite narrow minded. I’m so glad I was fortunate enough to live in England and not around my relatives there. My cousins who made the funeral from Lebanon and Israel are much more open minded and have no issue with my life style. 

By the end of the trip I was ready to come home.  If I’m being honest by last Thursday I would have been happy to hop on a plane and come back home.  Now I’m home I hope no one else dies out there for a few more years.  I couldn’t stand a trip back in the next 5 years to see family.

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London Bound

I’m leaving my aunts place in the next hour.  I don’t have any usa pics to show only my family which I won’t post on here. 

I met an aunt I never saw before and she’s a hoot. We had so much fun. I spent every night hanging out with my cousins and aunts. Only one night was spent with my best buddy Liz. That was great fun. We did what I love doing most,  shopping and eating ice cream.  I’ve been looking for a winter coat in the UK for the last month and had no luck. I think I’m so fussy with coats.  I looked everywhere and nothing.  I come to usa and I find two winter coats. Of course I bought them both.  I am so glad my mum came here because she’s had to pack some of my clothes.  C always says I pack as though I’m moving out and I think she has a point.  I do tend to over pack. 

I love USA. I get frustrated with family politics and it’s been really dirty and nasty.  I talk to everyone and I couldn’t care a damn who is upset with who. I spent the last week playing therapist for every one.  Don’t get me wrong I didn’t mind but it makes me so sick how on a sad occasion people can’t put their differences aside. 

C and I had a good laugh since I’ve been to church twice in a week and three times in a month.  I told her hopefully I can escape it now until the next person dies. I yawn if the service lasts more than 15 mins, which in my church everything lasts at least 2 hours.  I don’t think I found a church that has a 15 mins service. In Lebanon I used to make the last 20-30 mins of a service just because the women are hot there.  Speaking of hot I hit on a cousin by mistake.  I had no idea she’s my cousin. It was hilarious. I know I’ve got C but a good flirt never hurt anyone.  This woman  looks at me “cuz we’re related what’s going on with you” I wanted to laugh hard and my cousin  G who had warned me was cracking up.  I look at this woman and I’m like “what’s your name and what’s wrong with you taking our cultural differences out of context” smooth get out.  She starts apologising to me.  It was so funny. I forgot that in usa I’m related to half the damn population in this state. 

The other funny thing that happened is that I had to share a bed with my mum.  So the first night are in bed together I roll over (in my sleep) and wrap my arms and legs around her and kiss her back. She wakes up and pushes me and shouts “what’s wrong with you I’m not your girlfriend! Please stay on your side of the bed and pay attention”.

I’ve had some laughs and I’ve got a few more to share. 

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My first WP meeting…

My first WP meeting happened in USA yesterday.  The person I met I’ve been reading for about a year now and has a very interesting life and outlook. I’ve always been curious to meet this person and I’m so glad that I did.

What I found interesting is a comment that was made to me “Maria I’m so glad you’re a real person”. I thought about this a lot after our meeting. How many people are real?  I guess that my point is that we all write and blog but how many live in fantasy? How many are true to themselves? What identity/identities do we construct?

What was so nice about meeting fellow WP blogger was that I felt so comfortable and not awkward as I’m feeling around many of my family members here in the US.  Also blogger and I know so much about each other through our posts that there was no nonsense and we could open and discuss subjects at ease.

I need to add that I wish I had more time here because I’ve been so surprised by the number of bloggers who have reached out and asked me to meet.  I didn’t expect this. Somehow blogging has now taken on a different meaning to me. I’ve realised that some of my readers and those I read are people who I’d actually love to interact with in the real world. I’m so glad I’ve had this opportunity and especially during a sad occasion for me and my family. I’ve been very touched by the kindness that’s been extended.  Thank you. 

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I haven’t stopped.

Since July my life has been none stop. Looking for a new place to move into with C and relocating, commuting to London/Surrey for about a month now and other personal matters that have seen me spending more time in London than Hampshire.  C and I barely see each other these days.  In the month or so that we’ve been in our new home I’ve only spent ten days with her. Tomorrow I’m off again but this time to the USA for 9 days and without C. My life seems to be going in fast forward.  I haven’t stopped. In October C and I hopefully will have a whole week with each other and we’ll be traveling to the USA to stay with her cousin and her cousins girlfriend.  I’m glad C has one family member that she can be herself with.

It makes me sad that we haven’t had any alone time. I need alone time with C or I get really grouchy.  I am realising how needy I am. For example, if I’m not sleeping beside C I just can’t sleep properly. When I’m away if I don’t speak to her first thing in the morning and last thing at night then I consider this a disaster. 

In my head we were not meant to be having any space until next week when I was meant to be back at work. Of course personal problems mean that I have travel at short notice and be away from her for 10 days.  I just wish I could have a break. I’m really getting annoyed that every time I plan some time out with my woman life decides to throw something at mean and ruin my plans/our plans. 

This time last night we were discussing a bike ride along the river test.  It’s meant to be a 44 miles route through some beautiful countryside and villages. We’d been planning this for the last week.. Instead I’m going to be thousands of miles away from her and mourning the loss of one of my favourite uncles with my mother and extended family. I’m frustrated and I’m fed up of hearing bad news.  Mostly I just wish I’d have a break.  The last year and a half has been bloody awful.  I keep saying “chin up,  tomorrow’s a new day and hopefully a better one”.

I’m sorry for this rant I had to get it out.  I’m really tired and fed up. 

I’m going to try blogging something funny later on if I get a chance.  C took me to church last weekend. Now that story has made all of our friends and family laugh hard. 

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