That moment…

You see your ex (blast from the past) and pretend you forgot who she is and no your name isnt maria its francesca. Yes I really did that tonight how childish! She wont give up though and follows me and says  “Maria you’re kidding right? You’re going to play that card with me huh? ” I awkwardly walk off and say “you’ve got the wrong woman” but she continues pestering me and my friend who i was meeting runs up to me calling “Marrrria” I wanted to die. My friend sees that lady looks at me and says “oh fuck!” Grabs my hand and we leg it! That moment was awkward.  She was my ex stalker from the late 90’s. Another good reason to be moving!

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Weekend in pictures






I fed these guys. 

Food, picnic, family and  friends. Realised and panicked (mild) that I’ve only got five more sleeps in this neck of the woods


I love sunset skies. The colours are beautiful especially nights like this. 

The best weekend I’ve had in months. 

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Can’t wait to leave…

My neighbours are like this at
11am while I’m drinking Arabic coffee in the sunshine.  I overhear them because they’re so frigging loud:

N1 “what d’ya fancy drinking? “
N2 “a fookin coke and vodka”
N1″ mate it’s only 11 fookin Ay Em. I’m gonna ‘ave a fookin larger”
N2 “cause you’re a fookin light weight aint ya”

Both laugh out loud. 

N1 “ow go on then I’m gonna join ya.  But vodka dont taste ov nofing”
N2″ I know mate thats why I fookin well want one innit? “

No doubt by 1pm they’ll start calling me a fookin dykey dirty fookin arab bitch cunt. I’ll try recording them and see if I can post it on here should they do so.  Of course I’ll call the police first.

C’s at work but she always reminds me that “they sound more foreign than us,  innit?” And of course we both giggle.  Cant wait to move away from the scum.

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On Thursday evening I was invited to attend C’s leaving dinner party.  Her hospital colleagues had chosen a lebanese restaurant to mark the occasion.  C finishes work tomorrow and this time next week will be our first full day at our new place and in our new location. 

C has been quite emotional recently.  It’s interesting I’ve noticed that we both go through waves of emotions.  The move isn’t something either one of us is particularly looking forward to. We’ve planted or roots quite firmly in Surrey.  C has been semi-adopted by my family during the years and has become part of my close and extended groups of friends.

C was excited that I was joining her for dinner. It was my first time meeting this particular group. We promptly arrived at the restaurant and I was greeted by some very lovely people.  I’d noticed that during her current six month rotation C had not been grumpy as she was in previous jobs.  We sat down to eat and I had already eaten at home.  I knew this lebanese restaurant was for those who do not know real lebanese food. No one knew what to order so since I was the only middle eastern at the table I took control.  Everyone was delighted. I ordered many things to suit everyone’s dietary requirements and I made sure that everyone had more than enough to eat. I was overjoyed to discover that this place stocked Almaza- a locally brewed lebanese larger. I figured I’d need a drink or two to help me swallow my meal. I was so happy when I asked for arak (a strong liquor that’s mixed with water and looks like milk) and the manager told me that he had some. I asked him to make it a bit strong – meaning dont be tight and give me a british single measurement.  I had a couple of these and honestly they helped me swallow my meal. 

Towards the end of the evening I looked behind me and was searching for my handbag.  I wanted to settle our bill (C and I). I couldn’t find my bag. I looked at C and I started to panic. My bag is my little pharmacy.  I take it everywhere with me. It’s got my daily meds, my urgent meds and my emergency meds. I was quite concerned that it had gone missing.  My meds are more important to me than my cash/cards.  Anyone with a chronic medical condition can relate I’m sure.  These meds keep me alive. C looks at me and smiles she says “in all the time I’ve known you It’s the first time you’ve left your bag at home”. She had noticed this on our way out but didn’t want to make it an issue.  She told me it’s a massive achievement.  Firstly that for once I forgot everything and secondly that I’m so comfortable with her that I trust she knows how to take care of me if I get sick.  She’s right.  Yesterday I had a long day at work and I didn’t take my bag with me. For once I put a med (one I must have at all times) in my pocket, cash, card, phone and smokes in the other pockets.  I felt so good about myself.

Somehow I feel that C and I have a good thing going on and a great adventure ahead of us. Clearly I’m starting to let go of many anxieties and concerns that have been troubling me for some time. 

C told me last night that her work colleagues had described me as the perfect housewife and that I’d done a fantastic job of taking care of the food order. She was so happy and announced “you’re going to be the perfect Frau Doctor and the envy in Romsey”.

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This evening on my drive home the sky looked like this


Beautiful sunset sky.

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The move..

The move is sneaking up on me much quicker than I’d anticipated.  A week from today a removals firm is coming to pack and remove most of our furniture and belongings. I have been doing some packing myself.  C hasn’t had a chance.  1st August is the day that I leave sunny Surrey and head to Hampshire.  C and I are both getting a bit nervous. It’s a big move by English standards.  At least that what all our friends/colleagues keep telling us. 

Today I’m off and I’m meant to use this day to  finish packing up the personal items that we don’t want the removals company to handle.   The sun is shining outside and I’m reluctant to spend my day indoors.. I’m finding myself working for five minute spurts then going into the garden for  twenty minutes. 

I’ve not been good at coping with change.  Work colleagues have noticed abs they’re making it very difficult for me to leave. The day before yesterday I was asked if I wouldn’t mind having a long day on Tuesdays through out August.  Apparently they really need me for a couple of clients. I think they’re trying to help me come to terms with all the big changes that I’m going through.  The job is really nice and I’ll be working with a couple of adolescents who only speak Arabic.  My weakness is simple;  if someone is in need I can’t refuse to help if I know I can do a good job.  I said yes.  I’ll be in London every Tuesday in August and I wont finish until 9pm. This means that once a week (at least) I’ll spend the night at my parents place.  Somehow this has eased my mind.  My colleagues are also trying to see if I can do half a day on Wednesdays. I think this would be really good for me until I’m settled.

My biggest issue is losing my independence and not finding an adequate job.  Although I submitted my notice work are reluctant to let me go. Officially it’s been accepted and unofficially they want me to remain on a part time basis.

I’m feeling excited and sad about moving. Sad because there are so many big changes going on with my friends and family and I am usually the person to support and help out.  I feel I’m going to be so far from everyone.  In general I’m a woman with routine and keep myself very busy.  There are many communities that I’m not going to be part of and I’m going to miss these activities, groups and people.  I’ve got to say that I also don’t like the house we’re moving into.  C chose it and the day she chose it we were both mad at each other.  She admitted that she chose it to piss me off. I didn’t like it for a few valid reasons.  Earlier this year the road flooded quite badly and residents were forced to take shelter at a local community centre.  Second reason, there’s no parking. Basically it’s residents only and one permit per household plus one visitors parking permit. I’ll be using visitors permit and C will have the residents permit.  That means any of my friends who come can park in the supermarket car park for 2 hours.  Also means my family won’t be able to come stay unless I am prepared to pick them up and drop them off.  We could have found a place with a drive and on road parking but C was on a mission to piss me off that day. Admittedly I’d been a bit of a bitch.  However,  that doesn’t mean immature and irrational decision should be made. 
I’m back to the -I’m going to give it 6 months – and then decide what I’ll do.  Not a healthy frame of mind but one that makes me feel settled. C and I also had a conversation about this and she can see why I’m in this frame of mind. It’s like she’s calling all the shots and I’m meang to be a puppy wagging my tail and happy to follow blindly.  I’ve asked her to help me by considering this as a adventure. She’s trying.

For now I’ll work on my tan and pack in between. 

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I’ve got a love/hate relationship with my ex L. She drives me nuts.  I drive her insane.  We spend a few weeks talking,  making sense of things and it seems we’ve managed to get beyond the “I’m not talking to you right now WOMAN! ” it seems smooth sailing and we’re both great with that.  Then boom! I say something,  she starts interrogating,  I let her have her moment then I decide no!  Who is she? Why am i explaining myself to her? That fuse in my mind explodes and I’m not going to sit back and take it from her so boom! I’ve lost it. I get everything off my chest.  The she says that she needs time.  When I hear this from her I become crazy.  Time!  Away from me? And then of course I act like a child and say “take all the time WOMAN!” Then that fuse in her mind explodes and within seconds we go from love to hate. She tells me “I don’t need your permission to take time away from you and be sure I’ll do as I please” this drives me insane. What started off as a wonderful conversation ends up in disaster. 

She tells me that she wishes I wasn’t so crazy.  I’m not crazy with C and she can’t seem to understand why she drives me crazy in a way no woman has before. I’ve never been crazy with C. Then she gets all jealous over C and tells me she’s still single and hoping I’ll have a change of heart.  Of course I cant take hearing this from her because she screwed up and I reminder her of every detail because I don’t want her to have one up on me!  Then I get mad at myself and tell her “you’re just that damn  woman”. I tell her everything I need to say in Arabic because it’s harder than English and I verbally kick her where it hurts. To drive me crazier she tells me “calm down love.  You know I love you” and this sends me off on a rant that ends with “what would you know about love you player,  you twisted woman”. And the final kick in from her, she giggles “go figure it out I know you still care. Calm down and I’ll be in touch soon”. Before hanging up she’ll remind me of something usually a really beautiful moment that we shared and my heart melts.  Then she’s gone!

Today I’m obviously frustrated.  I’m frustrated at myself..I like to think for the most part I’m intelligent.  When she’s back I’m an idiot.  She’s the only woman that gets me like this and we’re in touch because if we’re not I go nuts.  Go figure!

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