A cute picture


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Oh dear

Victoria Beckham has been given title of goodwill ambassador to the UN and will be focusing on the UN AIDS and HIV programmes. The woman can’t even speak! What’s going on? Why didn’t they think of someone better looking and articulate?  Elton John would be brilliant in this field and is better looking in my opinion. 

I suppose someone like Bieber may end up being head of the security council at this rate!

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Leaving C tonight was tough.  For the first time I actually cried about it. I know I’m a drama queen sometimes but I’ve had enough of this distance and move and my life being back and forth.

Earlier today I worked out that we moved to Romsey 56 days ago and during this time we’ve spent 22 days together.  They’re not even full days because she’s at work. The full days we’ve spent during this time is 8 (including with my family) and 3 completely on our own. 

What made leaving this evening so hard was a conversation that we had on Tuesday night when I was back home with her.  We were laying in bed talking and she told me that she gets lonely without me.  This makes me so sad. I’ve got my family and friends all around when I’m in London and she has no one.  She’s not clicking with her work colleagues partly they seem to be in competition with each other in a way that didn’t happen when she worked in London and Surrey. And also she thinks the mentality is very different in the country side compared to being closer to London.  She’s not comfortable to tell any of her workmates about us and this bothers her since she realises she doesn’t trust them and as result won’t mix with them socially.  This makes me feel sad because C is generally much better with people than I am.

I need to quit my job completely in order to be with her a lot more because        we are both feeling sad when we’re apart.  But I’m really scared to do this although I did submit my notice before moving but work are keeping me on and in a way I’m glad.  They’ve noticed I’m unhappy in Romsey and with the whole situation.  I’d be happier if I knew C was moving back to Surrey or London in the very near  future so at least I can think sensibly about my professional life.  I’m exhausted physically and emotionally in a way I’ve not been for a long time.  So many other things are going on outside of C and I and I’m having to spilt my time to deal with personal matters.  I wish I could be split into two so half would be here and half would be in Romsey with C. In a way I’m always somewhere else whether I’m in London or with C,  my mind is never in one place these days.

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She’s leaving me…

Work eye candy told me that she’s resigning on Friday.  She’s had enough of England’s cold winters and lack of four seasons and wants to return to Italy. It’s meant to be “our secret until Friday Maria”. Of course I can keep a secret but this one I have to share here.  I know no one from work reads this blog so I’m safe. I swear when she told me this my heart stopped skipped a beat “Tan I can’t believe you’re leaving me” I winked.  She looked at me seriously then joked”you could always marry me and we could enjoy all four seasons back in Italy together” My heart sank “you’re breaking my heart baby.  You know I can’t leave C. What would I tell her” She thought for a while “Italians do it better.  That’s what you’d say. Then we’d move to Italy and love happily ever after”. I laughed at this point and gave her a big hug “good for you my friend I hope all will be perfect for you” of course she replied “four weeks of hugs and then who knows when our breasts will next meet?” I blush and run off.  I’m going to miss that little devil.  She’s too damn hot cute. 

Later Tanya and I see each other and she smiles,  arms wide open “another hug please” I oblige “I wonder if you’re replacement will be just as hot” and that was it “so you finally admit I’m hot?” I giggle “Yes but only when you’re silent otherwise you’re insane” She leans forwards and her eyes meet mine “one night Maria” I step away “we’ll see” and with that I turn and walk away. 

I’m sad that she’s leaving.  she’s extremely professional and has taught me a lot plus we’ve really been there for each other during the last year.  Her reason for leaving is that her mother is unwell.  As I left work I saw her “I can’t imagine dying in England Maria can you?” I wasn’t expecting that “are you dying?” She smiled “no but I thought about this and I want to die in Italy.  If you could choose here or Lebanon where would you die” this was a strange question “in a hospital” She could tell from my voice that I didn’t want to talk about this.  She changed the subject  “So you think I’m insanely hot?” I shook my head “that’s one way of seeing it. Have a good evening” I turned my back and walked off both of us were laughing. 

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My life

My life is a suitcase these days. Since moving all I seem to do is pack and unpack. Travel North then head back South.  I’m never with C long enough and I’m always in London for too long.  It seems that home is a place for me to do laundry,  sort out admin and then pack and head back to work.  I’ve had enough. 

I’m looking for work in Southampton and there’s nothing that jumps out and says “take me”.  C says I should think about something local to buy time until I find something permanent.  I can’t imagine working in a small town.  She’s noticed I don’t talk to anyone here. Small towns and small town mentality can cause problems and I rather keep myself to myself.  I’m a city girl.  I like the idea of being invisible and unnoticed which is easy in a city and hard in a small town. 

The commute is frustrating me but for now it’ll have to do. I always feel sad leaving C because we don’t get enough time together.  I won’t be back until Tuesday and then I’m back in London on Thursday.  I’m fed up of this. I though it would be okay and I’d manage.

The only bonus is I get to see family and friends. Tonight I’m out with the girls. The last time I did that was in early July.  It seems my life is changing so much and I’m not keeping up.  I’m always one step behind in my mind.

I’ve had enough of a suitcase and going back and forth. The next time C and I have a full week together is when we take our holiday together next month.  It seems so far away and everything seems so hectic from now until then. I wish I could swallow a big chill pill and relax and stay put in one place for a while.  I’m grateful I have a job to go to and a place to stay.  I just wish it was here with my lady. 

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Please explain

If anyone in usa can help me understand what is it with Brooklyn Heights? 

A woman flirted with me on Friday night when I was out with my friend at a cafe. My friend asked “so which part of town do you live in”? Woman replies “Brooklyn Heights” My friend takes my hand and walks away saying “have a good night”.  Then she tells me “just walk with me and don’t look back”.

I ask my friend “what’s wrong with her part of town” because I’d figured that’s what upset my friend so much.
Friend “ask your cousins” She laughs.

I did ask my cousins and they just said “cool your friend dragged you away. Maria you can’t talk to everyone here”

I still don’t know what’s wrong with that part of NY. Can someone please tell me. 

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Mother dearest (as I like to call her when she pisses me off) decided to out me to all of her siblings. She hadn’t warned me beforehand that this was her intention. 

Last week we arrived in the USA on Saturday night.  We hired a car from the airport and drove to my aunts place.  My mother comes from a fairly large family, in total 8 siblings.  When we arrived at my aunts place in NJ one of my other aunts was there from Florida (FL). We all sat around the dinning table and had some dinner and a few drinks. FL asks my mum what’s new in her life and mum replies “Maria is gay, a lesbian and she’s living with her Chinese gf in the country side”. FL smiles and says “each to their own and at least she’s not disabled like my son. I’d much rather he was gay than disabled”. NJ says “you think I didn’t know?  I see her and her gf on FB and Maria doesn’t exactly keep her gf a secret. Every time I see them together it makes my stomach turn because it’s not normal”. I was sitting listening because that’s what I tend to do in awkward situations. After a short while I excused myself to go shower and get to bed. 

On Sunday two aunts and a cousin arrived. I went to pick up my aunt and cousin (her son). I’d not met my aunt before she’s from Texas (TX) and my cousin is from California (CA). We got home to NJ house and walked into the house and first thing my mum says to my aunt TX “how did you see Maria?  Can you see she’s gay”. CA dies laughing “cuz our mum’s are so similar they lack any kind of censor” and he gives me a big hug.  TX says “we’re all God’s children and what’s the big deal” of course this started a huge debate between the sisters. One more sister was on her way. I think that sister is fucking insane, she’s from Orange County (OC) and thinks that guns and God is the way forwards – stupid twat – and that anyone that disagrees is a liberal – which she says with disgust – and they are ruining America.  Anyway she arrives and mother dearest announces the same thing to OC.  OC says “it’s obvious Maria doesn’t care showing pictures of her gay life in England. God give you strength sister” and I giggled.  God had come into so many conversations when my sexuality was announced by mother.  TX said “we’re all God’s children” to OC, OC replied “if someone married and horse you wouldn’t care you married a Mexican and they’re ruining our country.  At least Maria is gay and not with a Mexican”. I had to hear this conversation almost every evening.

Please don’t be shocked because I haven’t had a good laugh for years.  TX and FL have invited C and I to go visit them.  NJ wants me to go and spend time with her so she can help me “become normal and marry a man” and OC thinks it’s because “you don’t go to church and you got involved in academia where the liberals brainwashed you and made just about every thing abnomal acceptable”. I did tell OC to fuck off and eat shit because I had enough of her after the funeral which was only last Tuesday (after spending only 2 days with her).  My cousins all gave me a high five and said that it was about time someone put her in her place and that I could use being emotional as a excuse if I felt that I needed to apologise.  I didn’t feel the need to apologise.  I told her that I hoped she’d go stay elsewhere and she said she’d “gladly do so because you are too liberal and in with the wrong crowd and that people like you should either go to church or be shot” and I laughed and told her “you should be locked up or have your tongue cut out you psycho scum”.  Mother dearest got upset with me for upsetting her sister. I explained that had she not outed me then this conversation would not have happened. Of course my mother lectured me on respecting my elders and of course I didn’t agree “I respect those who respect themselves”. I thought by now my mother would have realised that not everyone is as open minded as her and that she should calm down and stop outing me. It wasn’t enough she needed to get it out in the open. She continued to out me. I soon realised her issue. Everyone from her generation was asking why I’m not married with kids and she was up front with them.

My US family are lovely but we’re very very different.  Even my cousins and I who are part of the same generation are a bit to conservative for my liking.  They’re good people but quite narrow minded. I’m so glad I was fortunate enough to live in England and not around my relatives there. My cousins who made the funeral from Lebanon and Israel are much more open minded and have no issue with my life style. 

By the end of the trip I was ready to come home.  If I’m being honest by last Thursday I would have been happy to hop on a plane and come back home.  Now I’m home I hope no one else dies out there for a few more years.  I couldn’t stand a trip back in the next 5 years to see family.

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