I’m trying to make sense out of recent events. I’ve been given new perspective. Isn’t it funny to hear “be careful what you wish for” and not really knowing what that means?
I wanted to know how you feel. I wanted to have a chance to live in your shoes. That’s love, isn’t it? Well, no it’s not. A little taster of what you went through and I’m hating it and wishing I didn’t know. Of course what I’ve got isn’t as bad as what you had but still it reminds me everyday of you.
She still calls me but not as often as before. I think she finally got the message when I thanked her for the souvenir that I have to live with and asked her to kindly fuck off.
My therapists latest challenge for me is group therapy with “people who have the same diagnosis”. “Perhaps there I can find myself a pretty girlfriend” I sneered! Mastaurbation has been a problem for me and I’ve been asked to try and not make it an issue. That’s ironic, it is a fucking issue. Every time I think of myself I am reminded of you and the souvenir that you left with me for life!
Recently there’s been ‘her’. She’s back in my life and of course I had the humiliation of telling her about you and your souvenir. I thought it would be easy you know! I’m infected and you should be aware. You should know that I’m a fucking asshole. I couldn’t stick around before because love scared the shit out of me. You say it’s not a problem and you’re here with me and not going anywhere. Yet I am now damaged goods. You say we can learn to find a safe way and that we will manage. I’m not managing and you can see that but you don’t leave. Sometimes I think you are blind especially when you describe me as the person you like and give me the reasons. I don’t see myself through your eyes. I’m so afraid now and that fear is not to love you, because, seriously, I probably do. I’m afraid to infect you and no matter how hard I will try not to there’s always a chance I will by mistake. Even if I love you I won’t act physically on that and I’m happy to have you in my life. I wanted you to love me before which is why I left when I saw that you couldn’t. Now you do – although you don’t say it directly because you know I’ve got so much on my mind- and it breaks my heart. You tell me you are preparing yourself to be with me but I’m not prepared to be with you. No matter how much I’d to I simply can’t.
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