My wet dream.

My wet dream is real. She’s the woman who made me admit 200% that I’m gay.  I was 17 years old and working part time for a broadcasting organisation when I saw her for the first time. My jaw would hit the floor every time I’d see her.  It happened on every single occasion I saw her for 9 years until the company relocated to the middle east and she went with them.  During those 9 years I had 2 girlfriends and sadly she wasn’t one of them.  I was always nervous around her and I didn’t trust my gaydar back then; I imagined every woman I liked was gay.

During my last year at the company she came to my edit suite. This night I’ll never forget. I was very tense I’d been working 7 days straight doing 12 hour shifts a day.  It was my last day before my weekend.  X enters my edit suite as I’m slouched I’ve my desk. She asks if I’m okay and I tell her I’m a little tense. I ask if she needs me to cut a package for her and she says no relax. Then she gives me one heck of a massage. I’m trying so hard not to do something and I’m also nervous. A couple of minutes later the programme producer enters the edit suite. He looks embarrassed and says something like “I’ll leave you two to it”. I was so nervous I called him back and asked her to leave. That’s always been one of my biggest regrets. It was the perfect opportunity to say something or at least make my wet dream a reality.  I have often looked back and wanted to kick myself for letting that moment pass me by. 

The years pass and her and I never kept in touch..I heard she had been married for a couple of years then divorced..It was in the Arab press and some magazines. My jaw never stopped hitting the floor even when I saw her photos on the news or if I was lucky enough to be at a friends place that has Arab channels I’d catch her show. I’d always be melting.

A month ago I get an invitation to join a Facebook group by some of my former colleagues who worked in London,  that’s where the dream came alive. I join the page and guess what? She’s a member. My jaw hits the floor and I’m star struck. I click on her name and send her a private message. She replies. Within an hour we’ve gone from Facebook to text messaging. Of course I told her she was my wet dream. She told me I was hers too, apparently. She added she’s single now and I added I am not. She wrote “nothing lasts forever” and now she’s my wet dream all over again.

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Damn it…

10 years ago I had a little stalker. Actually she was quite unhinged and I made a mistake of being involved with her for a while. I was so superficial back then; a pretty face, a good body, and I’d make it a point of being on a mission to get that woman in bed. Back then in my playing days I used to mostly attract the sexually boring woman then my mission would be to liberate her. 

When I met the stalker I ignored the alarm bells that went off in my head.  Instead I focused on how beautiful she was. I decided she was my mission. I listened to her talk and talk about her recent divorce and how her ex husband had been a massive ‘asshole’. I knew all the things I had to do in order to make her pounce on me. I knew how to drive a woman crazy and I worked my charms.  Was it worth it? No not for me. She was a pillow queen and often told me “Maria you can’t say that! I’m Catholic” and in my head I’d be thinking “well I just did bitch” and I’d be laughing inside.  I always ignored her when she came out with the Catholic line; if she was so concerned why was she naked with me in the first place?

Eventually I got bored and she was no longer exciting so I told her, “enough now. I’ve had enough”.  At first she didn’t take it so well and started to tell me that she had fallen in love with me. That really wasn’t something I wanted to hear.  Anyway, I didn’t care because soon I’d be moving to Lebanon and away from her. When I moved I cut her off completely. I was never sentimental when it came to a woman. I think this is the dilemma I have now; am I meant to be monogamous? Am I really a one woman, woman? I don’t know to be honest. I don’t know if I’ve been feeding myself a lie and trying to fit into the “what’s socially acceptable” category. Anyway that’s a whole different blog post. 

Back to stalker.  She managed to find me in lebanon and contact me..I managed to lose her again. I came back to UK and she found me again and I lost her again. We played cat and mouse until 2009 and finally she managed to lose my trail. Yay! Until yesterday.

I’ve mentioned that I’m looking for a job in the countryside so I can stay here and not have to commute to London all the time. Anyway a couple of former colleagues asked me to get onto LinkedIn so that they can connect me with organisations who are recruiting.  I spent part of yesterday working on my profile and getting it all organised and presentable.  This morning I noticed I had some messages from three people. One of them is the Catholic! Seriously after all this time she still manages to find me.  At what point should a woman let it go? At what point is, enough is enough? It’s been 10 years dammit. 

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Ice breaker…

I wrote a post earlier this week called on Sunday explaining how my mum and her friend want to set me up with her niece.  S hasn’t stopped calling mum to pressure me into giving a date for S’s niece to come to London for a visit and introduction. Since I wasn’t giving any dates my mother decided to give S my mobile number to pass on to her niece. She did explain to S that where I live I have very poor mobile reception.

Anyway last night I got this on WhatsApp


I guess that was the ice breaker.  I didn’t chat much to begin with but eventually I did.  I told her that I’m in a relationship and not looking for anyone or anything and that her aunt and my mother are acting like something out of an Egyptian melodrama. It’s funny her aunt S told her I was single and available. We had a good laugh about that. 

What was so nice is that once I got over my attitude problem we clicked.  I was very defensive and suspicious; typical of me. However, A (I’m going to call her A for now) helped me get over myself.  Believe it or not we continued on WhatsApp until almost midnight.


This is very interesting. I can’t say I’ve clicked so much with a stranger before, there was a sort of familiarity between us and it came out in our message exchanges.

Anyway eventually I gave her my landline number and she called to say goodnight. Her voice surpsied me she has a lebanese/french accent, an accent I adore and I miss. It’s not often I hear it in England and when I do hear it it takes me back to the homeland and I feel all nostalgic and romantic and for a moment I forget what a shit hole Beirut really is.

The end result is that we will meet but we’ll meet as friends with my mother and her aunt present and if C can get time off she can also join us.   I haven’t given her a date yet because I need to organise some time which probably won’t be for at least a month.

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On Sunday.

Last Sunday my mum called me in the evening.  She’d been to a memorial service of a friend who had passed away recently.  She told me she had so much fun. I was a bit surprised given the occasion and asked her if she was alright.  She told me she had bumped into a old friend of hers, S. S had been asking about my sisters and I. My mother told her “Maria is a lesbian she’s living with her gf in the country side’ S replied “good for her” then continued to tell my mum about her niece who lives in Paris and came out to her about 20  years ago and that “my sister only found out recently and stopped taking to me and hasn’t been dealing with it very well. She’s stopped talking to her daughter and is acting as though it’s the end of the world”. My mum shared her story and journey with S and told her that she had struggled with my sexuality although she’d always known I was gay. 

S suggested “why don’t we arrange for my niece and your daughter to meet? My niece is beautiful, same culture and background as your daughter and they don’t look gay” My mum replied “my daughter looks gay and she is gay and she’s in a relationship with a Chinese woman and somehow they have a similar culture and background; they’re both grumpy” both women laughed. Then S asked “are people of maria’s generation faithful”? And this was the funniest thing of all “I didn’t believe they were until I saw my own daughter being faithful to this woman and I never imagined I’d see that in my life but I suppose it happens and I don’t know why” her friend agreed with her but they’ve decided that regardless of whether C and I are together I’ve got to meet the niece, apparently “if they meet each other Maria will leave her gf and go to my neice and my niece will happily take Maria back to Paris with her”.

My mum found this whole conversation hilarious and is now waiting for me to give her a Sunday that I’m free so her friends niece came come visit me. I’ve got no say in this because my mum has been calling me every day asking which Sunday I’m free. Apparently the niece is looking forward to meeting me. She has been looking for an Arab woman who understands the culture and doesn’t need to explain herself. Apparently she has failed in relationships with none Arab women. She sounds like a typical Arab man already.

Arab women are trouble but I’m giggling whilst writing this post. 

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Beirut’s bullet-riddled Holiday Inn – a history of cities in 50 buildings, day 28 | Cities | The Guardian

A bit of history from my part of the world.  Hope you enjoy.

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Last week…


I was here. A panoramic photo of Versailles. It’s amazing.  I’ve been to France about 6 times but never made it to versailles. This photo does it very little justice. 

I love french history it’s fascinating. In terms of critical theory and philosophy the French have contributed so much to the world. When I visited versailles I felt as though I had taken a step into history and that I was present in that time.  This was one of my best experiences. 

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Today one of my closest friends kissed my girlfriend on her lips in front of me.  He tried it when he first saw her and we greeted each other.  She turned and gave him her cheek. Then came to our goodbyes a few hours later and he held her face in his hands and boom! He planted a great big smacker on her mouth.  I’m not sure how to feel about this. C and I joked about it and I really did giggle. 

Later on C and I drove back to Hampshire from London and it clicked “C, you’re not the first partner I’ve had that X has kissed. He did the same with D and S”. She paused and was thinking hard, after a while “Maria, do you think it’s because you have good taste in women?” I thought about this for a while “no I mean look at D now and S I mean I really dodged the bullet there and she was nothing more than a pretty face that everyone wanted like a hot fantasy but not proper girlfriend material”. C paused for a while before saying quite cautiously “do you think he’s jealous? Do you think he always wants what’s yours?” I didn’t have a answer.  I still don’t. I feel weird and a little confused. Why would a friend do that?

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