It’s been

It’s been a “go fuck yourself” few days for me. Unusually I’m feeling very angry. A lot has happened in the last few weeks and I’ve not wanted to write about it and for now I won’t.

I’m realising though, that my “go fuck yourself” statement which I’ve used almost constantly for the last few days has been needed. Anyone who I believe needs to hear it from me is being told to “go fuck yourself” without hesitation.

I’ve also told myself to “go fuck yourself” quite a few times in the last ten days or so.

Basically right now I’m taking some time out of blogging until I’m in the right frame of mind “to get a grip, get a life and get the fuck over myself”.

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I’m in a solemn mood today
Our first meeting
The one you always sang
For me
With pride
And so much love

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Secret Lebanon…


Photo taken by me.

This time I’m alone
There’s another place
A reality
Or is there
I’m here
Come back
To our place
Our secret

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A day to remember…

Human experience is subjective; no two people can share exactly the same emotions in the same moment.  Our interpretations of an experience always differ based on our individual understanding of the world.  An example, often used is,  two people who witness the same event interpret that event differently. That simply illustrates our unique understanding of the world and how different our perspectives and experiences of the world is.

All of us have a day to remember. That day or those days are memorable to us. They are unique to us. Those days left a new impression in the mind and with time, a new perspective. That day or moment is often one of strong emotions. For example, love, a birth, a funeral, the last kiss, the final goodbye.

Life happens.  How you deal with it depends on you.  How you perceive it. Interpret it. Accept it. Deny it. We all find ways to process a day or a moment and that is often why we remember the most significant events in our subjective lives. 

The strongest human emotions can be felt during those moments. The understanding can take a lifetime to process and a moment to acknowledge.  We don’t often know what challenges life will present us with but we always hope that our reality and our understanding of the world and ourselves can make it all bearable and worthwhile.

As time passes, we grow. Maturity sets in and perspectives alter. Perhaps we have reframed a day to remember and we can then move on. Or maybe we can’t reframe it because it was life changing and still the question, ‘why?’ remains.

Sometimes there are moments we’ll always remember when we are faced with our biggest fears. The reality is that we’ll look back one day at all those days to remember and maybe we’ll find it in our hearts to  let go and forgive. Self forgiveness is one of the greatest dilemmas a person often has to face.  It takes a certain amount of self awareness to be able to be so honest with oneself.

One day, perhaps, my day to remember will be a day that makes my heart smile again.

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I hope you enjoy

A little Sunday morning giggle. Maya makes me laugh so hard.

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Until I’d met C i had only moved five times in my life.  One of those moves was when i was 11 years old and my parents upgraded to a larger house a mile away from the house I was born in.    Then I met C. We’ve moved three times in the last four years and we’re moving again. Hopefully for the last time for at least the next decade.

C, on the other hand, has moved 22 times in the last 10 years.  She says the longest she’s stayed in one place was when we moved into Surrey together.  We lasted 2 years there.  She says that was a major achievement. She unpacked all of her belongings in that house. I sort of encouraged her to do so. She had only ever unpacked her clothes before and had boxes everywhere.  For someone with OCD (me) that’s the worst thing.  Boxes gather dust and after a while they start to smell stale. Plus I found it strange why she was afraid to settle in one place. 

With a lot of patience I helped her overcome her fear and after two weeks of being in Surrey she unpacked and emptied every single box.  I ensured she had space for everything and everything had its space.

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The unwanted gift…

Sometimes a woman gives you something you really don’t want.
A year goes by.
Then two.
And you’re always reminded.
You may not think about it but in the back of your mind it’s there.
Every day you hope you won’t feel it. You hope it won’t display any signs, symptoms.
A month passes.
You’re close to saying “phew” but then you get the shivers when it’s hot outside.
You start to go to the back of your mind.
Those emotions come back. 
The unknown. 
You’re life changed over night.  Everyday you paint a face. Show the world a smile.
Try to forget..
Hope to forget.
Think positive.
Be positive. 
Then the pain returns and the fear emerges worse than  two years ago. 
It doesn’t get easier.
It’s a lie to say it does. 
You do not to talk about it.
Your friends can’t cope.
It’s a taboo again.
You go along with them and pretend it doesn’t even exist.
Until it does.
And it’s there again.

You can’t sleep.
Your mind races.
You wish that she’d take back her gift. Then you wish they didn’t pass it on in the first place.
that you’d never met.
You wonder what they’re thinking.
How they’re feeling. 
At least you know you didn’t pass it on.  Imagine that.
I can’t.
Some can.
We’re all so different. 
Our minds. 
Our thoughts. 
Our emotions. 
Our experiences. 

The worst part is the pain.
Emotinal, physical. 
You’re in it alone
because it’s in you. 
It is you.
whether you like it or not you have to live with that unwanted gift. 
For life.
And you’ll always remember her. 
You’ll never forget.

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