Time doesn’t make things easier it just makes it all sink in. Those lies we tell ourselves to make life bearable fail us when we need them the most.  I’ve realised I’ve deceived myself the most by thinking everything will be okay and that it will always be so. Facing reality has been a hard pill to swallow and I often prefer not to swallow it. Denying it and imagining a better reality has been my coping mechanism. That’s until I wake up from my dreams and I realise my consciousness cannot fool me for so long.

I ask myself every day what would I have done differently. The answer remains the same; I wouldn’t have lied to myself or deceived myself.  I would have taken it all head on and lived with the other consequences of knowing I did it all from my heart and gave it my best.

How many times must a person be shocked and still not learn? I’ve realised my life has been going around in circles for way too long. 

It’s taken me some time to get back on here and blog and as I’m doing so it’s bringing so much back to me. Those moments of happiness which I’ve attempted to delete from my mind aren’t worth thinking about or reminding myself of them.

Are we ever truly taught to live with loss? Especially when it is us that we lose? By that I mean our core, our essence, that which makes us feel alive and present in the moment!

I ask if I could trade the pain would I have done it in the first place? Yes I’d do it all over again and that answer rubs me up the wrong way.  Because now I’ve learned to do it all from my heart only this time my heart it really broken.

I’m not living in the past but I’m not entirely present either. I’m in that ‘in between’ and I am trying hard to find the next steps.  Alone. To accept that, it’s the hardest part.

I’m trying now to figure it all out. To find myself again and sometimes I don’t even know why or what it’s all for. Perhaps only to make it all pass quicker.  Perhaps only to make me feel alive again.

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It’s been

It’s been a “go fuck yourself” few days for me. Unusually I’m feeling very angry. A lot has happened in the last few weeks and I’ve not wanted to write about it and for now I won’t.

I’m realising though, that my “go fuck yourself” statement which I’ve used almost constantly for the last few days has been needed. Anyone who I believe needs to hear it from me is being told to “go fuck yourself” without hesitation.

I’ve also told myself to “go fuck yourself” quite a few times in the last ten days or so.

Basically right now I’m taking some time out of blogging until I’m in the right frame of mind “to get a grip, get a life and get the fuck over myself”.

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I’m in a solemn mood today
Our first meeting
The one you always sang
For me
With pride
And so much love

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Secret Lebanon…


Photo taken by me.

This time I’m alone
There’s another place
A reality
Or is there
I’m here
Come back
To our place
Our secret

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A day to remember…

Human experience is subjective; no two people can share exactly the same emotions in the same moment.  Our interpretations of an experience always differ based on our individual understanding of the world.  An example, often used is,  two people who witness the same event interpret that event differently. That simply illustrates our unique understanding of the world and how different our perspectives and experiences of the world is.

All of us have a day to remember. That day or those days are memorable to us. They are unique to us. Those days left a new impression in the mind and with time, a new perspective. That day or moment is often one of strong emotions. For example, love, a birth, a funeral, the last kiss, the final goodbye.

Life happens.  How you deal with it depends on you.  How you perceive it. Interpret it. Accept it. Deny it. We all find ways to process a day or a moment and that is often why we remember the most significant events in our subjective lives. 

The strongest human emotions can be felt during those moments. The understanding can take a lifetime to process and a moment to acknowledge.  We don’t often know what challenges life will present us with but we always hope that our reality and our understanding of the world and ourselves can make it all bearable and worthwhile.

As time passes, we grow. Maturity sets in and perspectives alter. Perhaps we have reframed a day to remember and we can then move on. Or maybe we can’t reframe it because it was life changing and still the question, ‘why?’ remains.

Sometimes there are moments we’ll always remember when we are faced with our biggest fears. The reality is that we’ll look back one day at all those days to remember and maybe we’ll find it in our hearts to  let go and forgive. Self forgiveness is one of the greatest dilemmas a person often has to face.  It takes a certain amount of self awareness to be able to be so honest with oneself.

One day, perhaps, my day to remember will be a day that makes my heart smile again.

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I hope you enjoy

A little Sunday morning giggle. Maya makes me laugh so hard.

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Until I’d met C i had only moved five times in my life.  One of those moves was when i was 11 years old and my parents upgraded to a larger house a mile away from the house I was born in.    Then I met C. We’ve moved three times in the last four years and we’re moving again. Hopefully for the last time for at least the next decade.

C, on the other hand, has moved 22 times in the last 10 years.  She says the longest she’s stayed in one place was when we moved into Surrey together.  We lasted 2 years there.  She says that was a major achievement. She unpacked all of her belongings in that house. I sort of encouraged her to do so. She had only ever unpacked her clothes before and had boxes everywhere.  For someone with OCD (me) that’s the worst thing.  Boxes gather dust and after a while they start to smell stale. Plus I found it strange why she was afraid to settle in one place. 

With a lot of patience I helped her overcome her fear and after two weeks of being in Surrey she unpacked and emptied every single box.  I ensured she had space for everything and everything had its space.

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